Happy

I am rather happy right now. And since that doesn't happen often or doesn't seem like it because I always right about negative things on this blog then I decided to add some happiness to it. Well I think I am happy because I had caffeine and although it makes me go to the bathroom every 30 minutes it makes me happy. Secondly today is my last day of work for a week because I am going on vacation. I am really excited, hope the weather stays nice and I come back to work ready to take on the last two months.

Lets see on a not so happy note we have had 4 clients die in the last 10 days. It even made the papers and everyone is like what should we do? Oh my goodness homeless people are dying which is good that people are talking about. But then the headlines will go away and people will forget about the homeless until the next round of deaths. When I hear people talking about the homeless population I feel proud about what I do. Because I feel like I have room to talk because I deal with these people on a daily basis. It also makes me realize that I really need to be more patient because I have been losing it little by little. Today I was doing a van ride to the hospital and next to me was this guy that volunteers every day and he started singing to the Dido song "White Flag" and he really got into it. It was really nice because it felt so normal just singing in the car. Sometimes I think the beanies really like riding in the car something new and relatively "normal". Just some time to sit back and listen to music. Yesterday I also found out that one of our clients tried to hang herself under a bridge but thankfully she was stopped. So it's been a hard few weeks for the homeless people here in Anchorage. It's a really tight community and when someone dies it hits all of them.

Let's see this past weekend me and the roomies started the garden. So much fun. We planted carrots, peas, radishes, zucchini, brussel sprouts and some greens. It's been really dry here in Anchorage so I hope that they all survive.

What am I looking forward to in the summer? Not having to wear my blue jacket which I have yet to take off. Participating in the marathon relay with some of my roomies and wearing a tutu. So I registered me and three roomies for the relay and we needed a name so I thought of the most absurd name I could think of, pink tutus, and threatened them with it so that they would give me another name to put on the registration. Sadly they liked the idea and we are now known as the pink tutus. There has been talk of actually wearing a pink tutu and passing it off as a baton, I think not. What else? Going on community trips to Denali and Homer. Just enjoying the light and spending these last few months with my community.

A year later...

It has been a year since I graduated and I feel like I am in purgatory. Not in the real world but not in the college world either, kinda stuck in the gray area. I am happy I did JVC but still I am ready to get a job, have some money, and just be more free I guess. Today I spent a very long time with this woman that needed help on her homework. Now usually I wouldn't do this because that's not my role to be a tutor but things have been slow and I didn't really know before hand that she needed help with her homework and not something more important. Anyway this woman kinda scares me she has these fits of anger where she starts yelling usually profanities. I know she's pretty harmless but still not the most inviting person to sit next to. She like everyone else has a story. She spent two years in the military went to Iraq and got injured. From what I have been told a bomb exploded near her and ever since she has not been the same. Right now she is yelling at the top of her lungs things that no one can understand. And it is sad, very sad. But as I was sitting with her she didn't yell, yes she talked to invisible people and told them to shut up but she seemed "normal". i don't really like using that word but I will in this situation. It seemed like she would go in and out. Sometimes she was fine asking me about my life and her telling me about her life. She grew up in the Caribbean, went to journalism school in florida, married and ended up in Alaska, joined the military went to Iraq and now is here at bean's yelling at the top of her lungs. See stories like hers really show that it could happen to anyone one of us. So yea she's going to the university here...maybe but maybe not. She tells me she's taking a class even though a few months ago she gave me a paper that said that she was kicked out. It doesn't matter I try and help her with her homework even though it doesn't make sense she keeps switching what she needs to write and telling me all kinds of different stories. But I sat there with her for an hour and we talked and she seemed fine and then I left and she started to scream again. I wish I could do that with all my clients just sit and talk and not get annoyed. Maybe that's what they need more than the vitamins I give out?

The weather is so nice here in Anchorage. It has been sunny for two weeks straight and in the 60's. This is the Anchorage that I like. I also have been trying to find jobs and no luck. I am not worried...yet. I look back a year ago when I was graduating and I had no idea that a year later I would be here. Sure I knew I was going to Alaska and working at Beans but I had no idea what it was going to look like. So I wonder where I will be in a year? Less idealistic than I am now? Happier? Will I have a job? Who knows... will I still be listening to halo? hehe only a few people know my addiction with halo

Oh and one last thing. Yesterday I had a disagreement with the Drag King who is leaving for Bristol Bay on friday. Anyway I was kinda sad and in a funk so I decided to go for a bike ride. But as I was riding in the nice weather with the sun shining and me feeling the breeze in my hair...the pedal falls off. There's me riding enjoying myself then I hear a clunk and I look back to see the pedal lying there all peaceful in the middle of the road. And you know what I did? I laughed a lot because there was nothing else to do. And that cheered me up and I put the pedal back on as best as I could and turned around to go back home. So things aren't that bad and things like pedals falling off make you realize that and that sometimes all you can do is laugh and not be so serious.

Kicked out

It's actually quite at Bean's right now which never happens. Not enough beanie volunteers which has been happening quite a lot so all the Beanies get kicked out until one of them decides to step up and volunteer. Also you can tell when it's really nice outside because no one comes in which is ok with me. Beanies are quite annoying. Intellectually I know that I shouldn't be annoyed at them but I am every day. Tick tock more annoying questions, annoying requesting, or just being a pain in the butt. Does it sound like I am burnt out? Well maybe or it's time for a new job. I think some people are made for this type of job and I think that I am not. I don't like that I see hundreds of people every day. I want to work for a smaller organization that actually helps people and not just keeps them alive. I am not saying this job doesn't need to be done oh it does I am just ready to pass it on to the next batch of JV's.

Well lets see I have not been updating as you can see. I don't know if I am busy or just lost in my head probably a little of both. I hate the ups and downs of being happy, bored, or just in a slump. I am really excited to find a new job, one that maybe isn't so boring sometimes. I hope that every job isn't like this, fun at first and hella boring towards the end. Anyway I am going to stop complaining.

Lets talk about Juneau instead. Juneau was amazing. There were actually some really nice days and a lot of music. Now after listening to folk music all weekend long I think I realized I may not be the biggest fan. Sure I like it but it's not something I would seek out. Some musicians were really good so I guess it depends on the type. I wish I had the energy to go into more detail but I don't. My energy is lacking lately but I think the amazing weather might just be what I need. But a short summary of events at folk fest. We danced a lot, drank some amazing beer, went on a brewery tour where they gave out all the free samples you wanted, one take it to the dawn night where we walked home with daylight fast approaching and birds singing and lots and lots of free music. Oh and the Alaska hotel where everyone went after the music stopped and there were musicians everywhere because that is where they stayed. All the rooms were opened with people jamming in the rooms, in the laundry rooms and people everywhere listening to the tunes. It was an interesting night to say the least.

On a side note when calling for day labor at a homeless day shelter do not call at 4 and expect to find a worker. Because homeless people don't wait around for a job that late because they are probably already drunk or out enjoying the nice weather. In fact don't get angry at me because I can't find anyone and secondly don't offer to give them beer. How stupid do you have to be? These people are addicted to alcohol and yes they are going to use the money you just paid them to go buy it but please do not try and make the process any easier. Alright I think I need to be nicer to the beanies I understand the whole mental illness, hard childhood, substance abuse, growing up in two cultures crap, eh I mean valid reasons. But I don't really care anymore I want to be mad at them because there is no one else to be mad at. I just want to shake them and be like look at yourself and look at your pointless life and do something with it. Stop wasting resources and actually get your life in order. I wish it was that easy, I wish things could change, i wish I had more patience, I wish I could take a nap.

Last night I was watching a movie about the Holocaust. And then boom Abbie one of my roommates came in and announced she was going to Kincaid Beach. This was about 9. So I decided to join and we drove to the beach with a few beers and some other rommies. It was splendid, sitting on the beach as the sun was setting and the wind blowing. The beach is my favorite place in Anchorage. It's secluded and feels nothing like the city. I wish I could go back to that feeling of peacefulness and serenity and not be always pissed off at the beanies. Because I know they can tell that I don't like them that much and that sucks for them. I know they deserve someone in their lives that cares but I don't think it can be. I just don't think I have the energy. I really am not that down and out as I sound here. I am pretty happy most of the time I swear.

Tired, stressed, and overwhelmed

That's what I fault for my absence in blogging. I am burnt out in life. I am leaving tomorrow for Juneau for the Folk Festival with pretty much all the JV's in Alaska. It is such a needed break, I almost want to start crying right now because I am so tired and disconnected from myself.

So yesterday was a shitty shitty day. For the past two days I have had this young guy coming in and trying to hit on me. At first it was fine but now I am tired. He thinks he is so smooth yet he has no idea he is barking up the wrong tree. I don't know about this job. It was nice because on Easter we went over to the FJV's and there were four years of Bean's workers there and it was nice to vent. I complain because I am not structurally changing anything by working here. But one of the JV's had a good point that sometimes just keeping someone alive is important. And that's exactly what I do here, I keep people alive to keep drinking another day and maybe this job needs to be done. So yes hopefully we keep them alive long enough that they decide to get help, I guess that's the goal of Beans.

But aside from being burned out at work I am just tired of life. I feel like this year has been really hard, a lot of fun sure but there have been some really hard moments as well. So yesterday the Drag King told me that she is moving to Bristol Bay on May 15th. She applied for a job with the fire department and heard yesterday that she got it. yay for her, I really am happy for her but sad at the same time. I really haven't known her that long to be as sad as I am which worries me. I realize maybe that I form unhealthy attatchments to people especially people that I am dating. I only let a few people in and when I do I try and hold on to them because it is so hard for me to open up. But eventually they leave or I leave and it gets harder everytime that happens. I realize that I should open up to more people and not put all the stress on one person but I have yet to figure out how to do that. I guess I am tired of people leaving and I just want a stable permanent community. Is that too much to ask for? I guess it's back to the drawing board for me. I don't know I am just tired and sad and hope that Juneau works its magic like it did before.

Warning: Baby's head in microwave

Today is April fools day. I woke up today like usual and went downstairs to prepare some oatmeal. As I was about to open the microwave in a semi daze that I always am in the morning I found a baby's head in the microwave. hehe so funny or I thought it was. Abbie my roommate works with the Red Cross and borrowed it, it's great because it's made of soft material and sits upright so it's funnier, yes I meant childish I would not find such childish acts funny of course. I actually was not the one to discover it in the microwave, I wish I was. I went downstairs and it was sitting on the counter but I made sure to put it back in the microwave for the next set of roomies. But as I sat and ate my oatmeal I would open the microwave from time to time and just laugh. A good start to the day, and yes I did check for cellophane wrapping over the toilet seat before I sat down.

Alright what else is there to talk about so early on a Wednesday morning at Bean's well love of course. Well not actually love but the funny stories that come with it. So yesterday the drag king invited me to come along and hear a panel on LGBTQIA issues at UAA, University of Alaska Anchorage. haha they call it the alphabet now because it's getting so long so many letters. hehe I thought the "I" stood for indifferent and so that's what I told the Drag King because she didn't know either and then she said it out loud and it actually stood for interesex. haha how I like to lead people astray. Anyway that was not the funny part I wanted to talk about anyway. I feel like I always get in sticky situations here because the gay community is so small and I am so popular. Well only one of those is true, of course the popular part. Anyway I walk into the room a little late with the drag king, get a chair, take off my jacket, you know get myself situated. Well if you know me at all you know that I didn't take off my jacket because I never do. Anyway that was off topic but as I scan the room...yes you guess it I meet eyes with Sandi. Now I think I blogged about Sandi a little. The girl I met at the bar while the bamboozler was in Ecuador who walked me to the house I was house sitting at. Anyway we made plans to hang out the next Friday and I never showed up, no not because I was trying to be mean that actually comes quite naturally but because I was sick taking care of the devil dog at the bamboozlers house. Well so here I am at this panel sitting next to the drag king with the girl that I stood up four chairs away from me. Let's just say I counted down the minutes until the awkward interaction had to happen.

Paragraph break not because it's the right spot I know but I don't like writing really long paragraphs without breaks. So anyway the panel goes on for about 2 hours and then it breaks up. You know the type of break where you go and talk to people to clarify points or meet friends you haven't seen in awhile. Well poor me I don't know anyone so I can't pair up with anyone and I don't have any points to clarify on because I was too nervous to pay attention. Oh and the drag king has a line of people waiting to talk to her, kinda like the kissing booth. So yes Sandi walks over to me and I walk over to her and she puts me in a headlock and makes me say uncle. Haha no we sit and talk and it's not awkward at all. I explain what happened and the fact that I didn't have her phone number. I get her phone number, minutes go on, the conversation goes on and somehow I have a date with her on Saturday to go to some women studies event. I am the worst at saying no, well I would say I just like to flirt and keep my options open. Ahh no I can't say that on here because then people will think I'm mean. So scratch that I just didn't know how to say no. Anyway I left with the drag king who drove me home. This story will be continued as events unfold...

Quick update

Life has been purely crazy the last few days. I can't believe I have let this slip by the wayside. Well I am almost done with house sitting which will be nice. It was truly nice to have a car which scares me because I never want to love having a car, I think I need to have a long date with my bike. I don't know if this long distance relationship we are having is going to work out after all. She's going to have to move up here. Also the dog that I am watching has started to breath weirdly, I feel like she's going to croak at anytime. And she gets me up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom but nothing as bad as the puppy from hell. But all in all it was a nice break to have a house to myself.

Lets see on Saturday I went on a date with a drag king. yep I don't think I need to give details that should explain it all. It was nice, we danced and people watched. I also had my first ever....wait for it wait for it....jello shot. yay for me, well not really. It wasn't too tasty but free. As a JV I have learned one thing and that if it's free then you should take advantage of it.

Oh and as everyone knows I have been discerning another year of JVC. So I had the interview with the placement and it went amazing. She loved me, I loved her it was like love at first sight. The job sounds amazing exactly what I want, the city sounds amazing exactly what I want....so tomorrow I will let them know of my decision to not do a second year. I know you might be confused because why would I deny a second year if I love the job and the city. Well because I wouldn't be doing a second year of JVC with a full heart, I don't really want to live in community but would have done it if it got me to Portland. But I have too much respect for JVC to do that and I wouldn't want to live with someone who was only partly into it so I have decided to stay here in Anchorage for another year or so. I hope to find a job, maybe save some money, and if the yearning to live in Portland is still there then in a year I will move there and it will be just as exciting and special.

This week has been kinda long already and it's only Wednesday. My supervisor is on vacation for a week so it's just me and Annie, another JV. Oh sidenote on Friday I hear Annie arguing with someone over the mail. Now this already is out of the ordinary because I have never seen Annie argue or raise her voice. Well it all ends with the lady hitting Annie in the face, so yea be careful beanies are protective about their mail. I think I need to sharpen my reflexes. But back to the long week, thankfully our house is having a get together of friends on Friday. It's called "The Break Up Shake Up" because Alaska has two seasons, freeze up and break up and it's almost time for break up so we are going to start it a little early with a party. My hope is that someone brings the beer "session" because under the cap it has either a rock, paper, or scissors and then you play the game when you open your beer. ooh perfect timing now it's time to drop some beanies off at the hospital and maybe have enough time for coffee.

Selective hitchhiking

So when I blog I get really excited. I start to think about all the things I forgot to write about or remember funny events that I wish I would have talked about. And since I am at the housesitting house and have nothing better to do I will include some extras for this Sunday edition of my blog. First after leaving the coffee shop I went to the grocery store to buy some kale which is a treat I buy for myself. The grocery store reminded me of my first month in Anchorage. Me and Molly went there the first month to get some groceries and when we finished we realized we would have to wait an hour before the bus was going to come. So instead of waiting we practiced what Molly calls selective hitchhiking. It's catching a ride but gives you the perception that it's safer because you choose who you ask for a ride. So this is how it goes down. Stand outside of grocery store and ask people if they are going in your direction. We asked a few people and then finally asked these two girls who didn't live near us but gave us a ride anyway. They also just moved to Anchorage and were going to school at UAA. In retrospect I would say it's not the safest thing but it's a funny store to tell now.

Second I really like my housemates. Yes there are some moments that are hard and challenging but for the most part living in community this year has been pretty great. I definitely lucked out with my community and their willingness to be be vulnerable and to challenge themselves. Last night was really fun. I was listening to music out loud and then we watched Justin Timberlake's spoof on Beyonce's song Put A Ring On It which led to listening to more songs. So I asked my roommates if they knew how to do the Cupid Shuffle which is a popular song to play at the club. yes I know that it's not a hard song to dance to but I never knew when to turn so Sarah Lauren and Annie helped me out. There was just something special about the night, all three of us dancing the cupid shuffle in the living room and then other roommates joining in. I think I need to show more love to my roommates. For the most part I play the sarcastic mean role in community. I know that they understand me and know that I am joking when I say my sarcastic comments but I also hope that they really know that I do like them. Haha this is not going to turn into a romantic love sonnet for my roommates. But I hope that when we all move on from this experience that we keep in touch and that they know that I've really learned a lot from all of them. Now I think I will put on some dance music and dance and pretend that I am really good.

Poker face

So I am sitting at a new coffee shop listening to "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga. There are two things that I have become addicted to in Anchorage, coffee and dance/hiphop music. These are not the things I thought I would discover when I moved to Anchorage or the things that JVC probably wants me to do with my time here. I guess drinking lots of coffee isn't that bad but it's one of the only luxuries that I can afford and it makes me feel so normal to just go out and have a cup of coffee. If anyone needs to know the prices of coffee in Anchorage please contact me. Starbucks is by far more expensive but it is more conveniant because it's by the hopsital where I drop people off. I like Kaladi the most because eventhough they are a chain they are a small chain with all the shops in Alaska and one in Seattle. They also have soy milk for free which adds a very nice nutty taste to the coffee. And I don't know why dance music, I guess because I like the beat of it and I get to crank it up after I drop people off after van rides. I realize that when people see a white van with Bean's written on it and look to see who's driving they often see me dancing and singing on the top of my lungs to songs like Poker Face and Right Now. But it's a great release for me during the day which is so needed.

On another note I am housesitting/dog sitting once again. I hope that this is goes a lot better than the last one. It's funny because the dog that I am watching is 14 and can barely see and walk which is drastically different from the 5 month puppy that was the energizer bunny on speed. And I get a car for 10 days which is so nice. This morning I drove to Kincaid to go cross country skiing with Annie and Emily which was so nice. The weather was amazing again and we did a different path then we usually do. Usually I ski on the novice trails but today we did moderate and advanced trails. There were some really steep sections where I pretty much just went sideways because it was too scary to go so fast. I wish I could describe how beautiful the trail was but you have to see it to really understand it. I am thinking of driving to Palmer next weekend and skiing there. Palmer is a small town about 30-45 minutes from Anchorage and it has some really nice ski trails and a nice hippy coffee shop. See I have a one track mind it's all about the coffee. I feel like I am like that dog in the commercial where all I can think about is bacon beggin strip. But instead of bacon my mind is coffee, coffee, girls, girls, coffee, dance music, girls, coffee. haha I am just joking I am not a lush. Yes I have had way too much caffeine and I am listening to Right Now by Akon.

On a closing note I got into JVC and got placed with Catholic Social Services being an outreach worker. If I accept it/they accept me I will be doing outreach to chronically homeless women and helping them transition into permanent housing. The position definentely appeals to me but also scares the socks right off me. I think this job would challenge me but I hope that I am what they are looking for. I will be interviewing with this agency in a week or so and will keep people updated. I think that if I really like the position then I would do a second year of JVC but if it's so so then I will probably stay here. I guess a lot hinges on the interview. Alright time for a potty break.

Bruise

I have the biggest bruise on my side. It's like deep deep purple and I can't wear a belt because it hurts too much to have any pressure on my side. But it was my fault, I was trying to push one of my roommates in the snow and we both fell down except I fell down on a small wooden post. I have no idea why I just blogged about that. I can't believe I went from two posts in one day to nothing in a little over a week.

So lets see where to start. Last Friday I had my interview with JVC:Northwest about applying for a second year. I think it went well, I find out today if I get accepted and on Friday where I get placed. I'm a little nervous because I don't know when I will get the call from Bruce my interviewer. On another note I have yet to know if my ovaries are malfunctioning. About a week ago I had an ultrasound on the ovaries to see if they were being good and I was supposed to hear within a day and nothing. I keep playing phone tag with the doctor or they just forget to call me back. Not that I paid for the procedure but still it took time and someone else's money for me to get the procedure done and all I want is a thumbs up or down. Hopefully I hear about the ovaries and JVC today and then I can move on to deal with the next issue of teeth.

This past weekend was crazy busy. On Friday was my roommates b-day and we were going to go to Humpy's to listen to Melissa Mitchell who is a local singer who is pretty popular in this area. But when we got there it was packed, probably because it's right downtown and the start of the Iditorad this weekend as well. So after waiting around we were going to just go home but bumped into a girl who we kinda know and she invited us to McGinley's which was fun. It's an irish pub downtown, nothing too special but it had more space than Humpy's. So we sat around, bumped into a few more people and then ended going up to Humpy's after all and dancing by the stage. It was fun, at one point I thought I saw the bamboozler but we didn't bump into each other. I really hate awkward interactions and I'm not excited for that first meet and greet.

Then Saturday was the start of the Iditorad, you know the big dog race that goes from Willow to Nome. They do a ceremonial start in Anchorage but it doesn't really start here. So on Saturday me and Annie decided to ski downtown and meet up with our roomies to watch it which was entertaining. I wasn't blown away or anything but I guess I can check it off my to do list, eventhough I don't think it was even on there. Then Saturday night I bummed a ride with an FJV and some roomies to Alyeska where they were going skiing. I didn't ski but I did get to watch skiers by a fire and pretend that I was a skier, I think I pulled it off quite well. Afterwards we ended up going to the Brown Bear which is this tiny bar between Girdwood, where Alyeska is, and Anchorage. It's a pretty popular place for bands to play and hippies to hang out. Again Melissa Mitchell was playing which was great. The place is one room with dollar bills tacked to the walls and packed with people smelling of weed and drinking cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. I would have to say that it was very Alaskan.

And finally to bore you even more I will talk about Sunday as well. Sunday was uneventful but I did watch a pretty great movie. It was called Itty Bitty Titty Committe which I know kinda sounds like a porn movie so I was a little skeptical. And yes it's not like an award winner but it is one of the best Lesbian films that I have seen. It's definentely an indie film that's not done with too much money but it still does a great job. I liked the acting and how it was filmed. The story was ok but I thought it was really well done. Most gay/lesbian films I have seen are absolutely horrible but this was a nice surprise. But the most excting(sarcasm) part of the day was our community money chat. So we've been housesitting and doing other jobs in order to save up some money for a house trip(s). In this meeting we were supposed to decide where we wanted to go and how many trips we wanted to do. Now warning the rest of this post will probably be one sided because well I am going to talk from my point of view. So we all agreed rather quickly about going to Homer for a weekend, check and done. But then instead of the meeting taking one hour it took many. The problem was that most of us wanted to go to Denali, by most I mean everyone but one person. Now I understand her reasoning, yes it would be a lot of traveling for just 2 days in Denali. Yes there could be things we could do that would be closer and yes it would be hard to organize a trip with 8 people. I totally understand that, what I don't understand is her resistance and what I see as selfishness. There were at least 4 people that would rather go to Denali than Homer but yet they compromised because they knew people wanted to go to Homer. Frankly I felt really hurt throughout the meeting. For this person it was not enough that people really wanted to go to Denali or the fact that some people will probably never come back to Alaska and going to Denali would be amazing. There's a lot of background that I don't know if I want to get into. But yes she does have a car that her parents shipped up because she works so early that no buses run. I'm totally fine with it but she needs to realize that has some advantages over the rest of us. She has times when she doesn't work for 9 days, she doesn't have to worry about renting a car when her boyfriend comes and he's coming a couple times. She's also staying after our year so she has more time. Yes I am a little jealous but I felt angry that she asked us why we wanted to go to Denali. I don't feel like I have to justify my reasoning for wanting to go to Denali, I would never ask people why they wanted to go because to me it doesn't matter. All that matters is that someone wants to go there and I would do it because I know how much it meant to that person. Anyway it ended with a vote where 7 of us wanted to do a group trip to Denali and she said that if all 7 us wanted to go then she would go as well. It's a very complicated matter and frankly it's not even about Denali. I think a lot of it is how people were raised which I will write more about in a different post.
I have to go do van rides now. This morning I got up early to help a roommate clean the yoga studio where she does work exchange which was actually fun. But now I am tired and realizing that the sun still hasn't come up because of daylight savings time.

And you thought I was done

Yes two posts in on day, crazy I know. But I remembered something that I wanted to share. So on Saturday I went skiing on the coastal trail, I was planning to ski for a long time and even took some lunch with me. But about 30 minutes into the ski I hear someone running behind me. Nothing to get worried about people run, bike, and ski all on the same trail. But it felt kinda close so I begin to turn my head but before I can turn it all the way around I am frozen in fear because a moose gallops right past me. I think that if I stuck my tongue out I could have licked the moose, well maybe a little exagerated but it was damn close to me. He didn't seem agitated, he just looked like he was out on a little jog on a Saturday morning. So yea after that I decided to call it quits for the day and enjoy the fact that I didn't get run over by the moose. Moose supposedly have very poor eyesight so I am glad it didn't just crash into me and be like silly human trails are for moose.

The weekend

Has come and gone. Today was the first day of March, I am hoping for a good month. It’s light out now till about 6:30 which is crazy. I woke up today at 9 and the sun was streaming into my room which was so amazing. Today was probably one of the best days of winter. In the morning I went to Kincaid to go skiing with the roomies and a visiting boyfriend. It was perfect weather, sunny and not too cold. We went for a couple hours but half way through it we realized that we were on the course that was being used for a skijor race. So every few minutes we would have skiers passing us being pulled by dogs. It was great though to see it and be right in the mix of it all. Plus there were some pretty big hills that we skied down and I didn’t fall once. I did though fall once but I was standing still looking at the dogs that were passing us by. So maybe I should be less afraid of the hills and more afraid of my two left feet. But it was a beautiful morning.

After skiing we went home and then left to attend a drum circle at a fair trade store that sits in the hippy plaza. The hippy plaza is a strip mall here in anchorage where yes you probably guessed it the hippies hang out. Anchorage is pretty conservative and laden with strip malls. I don’t know who designed this city but they were for sure in love with strip malls. But anyway the hippy plaza isn’t too far from our house and it contains an REI store, a coffee shop, the fair-trade store, and some other progressive type stores. So the fair trade store was having a drumming circle from 2-4 so we decided to go and it was great. The store let us use their drums that they are selling and it was a pretty good crowd. There was this guy Jesse who led it and he was amazing. He taught us some rhythms and we just jammed out for a few hours. Then after the drumming circle we crossed the street in order to attend a Yoga class which was our spirituality night for the week. A couple of the roomies clean the yoga studio in exchange for free passes so they worked it out that our whole community could come for the Sunday class. The class was definitely a good compliment to the drumming circle. So what else could I ask for on a Sunday afternoon? Skiing, drumming, and yoga. Well my roommate also made an amazing carrot stew in the crock pot and that mixed with wheat berries was very tasty. One of my roommates bought 60 pounds of wheat berries so if anyone ever feels like visiting me don’t worry about being hungry. So yes now it’s time to go to bed and begin the month of March.

Stream of thought

One of the worst ways to find out your sister has died is coming in to Bean's and seeing her name on the deceased list.

Mark's hair has grown in and he looks a lot healthier. Mark is in his early twenties, he moved here for his g/f, they broke up and he was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He also used to camp out at night during the summers because he couldn't stay in the shelter because his immune system was to weak to be around so many people. He spends most of his time at the library or the hospital, I want to be his friend.

While in Juneau we had mass in the chapel. The chapel was deep in the woods surrounded by water on three sides. It's probably the most beautiful and spiritual place I have ever been. The last day we had mass there and the priest was amazing. He said that in many of the villages when there's mass the whole community comes out for it. So when it's time for communion they allow everyone to participate in communion because it is such a community event. So for our mass the priest allowed everyone to take communion even if you weren't Catholic, I cried.

Starting in November we had a client come in who was suffering from some kind of dementia. Every day he would come in and ask the same questions day after day. He would also come in and say someone has to help me or I am going to die on the street. We got him a case manager and he disappeared about a month ago. I find out on Monday that he died on the street.

I have been listening to the same song over and over for the past hour.

For lunch I had salad, grapes, blueberries. It was very tasty.

Some days I get really annoyed with the Beanies.

Today I took a client on a van ride. He told me that he works every night from 4:30 to 1 in the morning. Then he walks 1-2 hours every night back to the shelter where he sleeps until they wake up everyone at 5:30.

I have some major gas issues right now.

I want

to cut my hair. I'm tired of having semi-long hair and I want to cut it all off.

Anyway I am sitting at a coffee shop right now. The goal was to finish my JVC essays for a second year and instead I've had 12 ounces of coffee, searched and stalked some people on facebook, and sang softly to some really good songs. The weather right now is amazing. I walked to the coffee shop this morning around 9 and the sun was just coming up over the mountains. I love mornings which are crisp and cool and it still seems like the whole word hasn't woken up. Now instead of sitting inside I could be on my way to snowshoeing with some housemates and FJV's but I have a semi twisted/bruised ankle. Now how did I twist my ankle some may ask? Well I don't know how much of the story I really want to tell in order to not lose all respect from the few people that read this blog. Well just one side note before I talk about that...this morning when I was walking I heard a rustling and I turn and a see a moose not too far eating and then I look some more and I see another one a few steps to the right. Times like those really make me happy to live in Alaska.

Well anyway as many know yesterday was my birthday. And as for birthdays go it was a really fun one. I got a really yummy cake delivered to my doorstep in the morning by a very nice lady. Then some of my housemates and myself went skiing downtown. Downtown is only a few miles from our house so it took only about an hour and the weather was great. A little chilly, but I was fine in a t-shirt and jacket. Once downtown we went on with out plan to go to Snowgoose and get a pint. It was funny because we kinda had a weird waitress. Snowgoose has 3 dollar pints during the winter months and we asked her what the special was and she was like "oh we don't have that anymore, that's only during the winter months." Hmm? Winter in Anchorage doesn't really end till the beginning of May. But not only that but Molly had been there the night before and gotten the special beer. So one of my housmates asked if winter was over which I thought was a valid question. And then Molly asked if winter ended at midnight last night. Anyway it was funny, but anway I guess the reason they ended the special was because fur rondy is coming up and a lot of tourists come in and thus no more specials. It's crazy here in the summer. All the hotel and motels double their prices and all the homeless people are displaced by the tourists. Right now there are weekly discounts so many of the homeless can afford to sleep indoors. And most of the restaurants have good deals/happy hour specials right now but that also all ends in the summer.

Well anyway on with the story, so the housemates and myself all have a pint and just sit back and chat for a few hours. It was really nice, snowgoose has a great view of the mountains and it was so clear that you could see Denali which rarely happens. Anyway as we are about to leave we go to the bathroom and then all of a sudden someone suggest we go to Darwin's as a joke. But the joke turns into reality. Darwins is a local bar down the street that has free popcorn and also place where most of the locals go. I've only been there once before at the very beginning of the year but it's a great place to go with friends. So the goal was to have one drink there, eat some popcorn and leave to ski back. Well lets just say that the locals here are very generous, especially the ones that pay with one hundred dollar bills. So anyway we ended up staying a little longer than expected and on the way back I fell while skiing and bent my ankle a little farther than it wanted to go. But we all made it back safe and sound and went back home to have some cake and talk some more. All in all it was a great birthday, I felt really loved.

Again

I fail to write once a week. I've been meaning to write something since Tuesday but I really feel like I have nothing to say. The last two weeks have been a blur, I go to work, I go to the gym sometimes, I go home and I go to bed at 9 and get up at 6 and the cycle starts all over again.

On Monday and Tuesday we had a two day bonanza with the community. We were supposed to do one on one's with the whole community over the two days and answer questions like "What is working in our relationship?", "How can we challenge ourselves more in this relationship?", and many others that were supposed to help us grow in our individual relationships. The premise was great but I really didn't get anything out of it. We had a closing circle at the end of the two days and many were saying how helpful this was and how they felt the doors of communication open in some relationships and I just felt tired and exhausted. For the most part I think my relationships in community are pretty great. Of course there might be some things that could be better but I have no idea how to change that. I'm as close to the people in this community as I am to any of my other friends for the most part. And then I had an epiphany. I don't know how to make friends. I either make friends in community or I date people outside of community. Community forces me to kinda have friends, I have to see these people day after day and opening up is kinda a requirement. But then when I meet people outside of community, I either don't put the effort needed in order for it to become a friendship or I end up dating them which is also kinda a forced environment where I have to open up. So that's what I came up with after the two days, and now I'm in a funk.

Juneau/How I stopped dating the bamboozler/ desire to write differentely

I am a very messy person…I am sitting on my bed with two apple cores and orange peels on the night stand. I have this desire to stay in a place for longer than a year. Before starting JVC I had this dream of living in five cities in five years and now I want nothing of it. It’s interesting to see how fast plans change in so little time. At the beginning of this year we were doing a community night where we were asked questions and then we went around and answered them. One of the questions at first seemed rather simple but I couldn’t come up with an answer. The question was “Where is home?” I guess the easy answer would be Indiana, but it doesn’t feel like coming home when I go there. For some reason I have this intense desire to find my home and I think that’s why I am becoming so stressed out about what to do in August. What if I move to a new place and it still doesn’t feel like I could live there for longer than a year? But then I remember to just step back and remember that I still have 6 more months in Anchorage and I need to challenge myself to live in the present. And yet again I write about none of the things I was going to in the beginning.

So Juneau was an amazing break from reality. Juneau is very beautiful, small town enclosed by mountains. The first 2 days were very rainy and snowy, but on the third day the sun finally came out and it was wonderful. I went out by the water and laid out on a rock in only my fleece. I could definitely see myself living in a place like Juneau if it wasn’t rainy all the time. In just three days I saw seals, bald eagles, and a whale…what more can you ask for? Well of course I need to see the sun at least once a week and that is not guaranteed in a place like Juneau.

Ah yes and I stopped dating the bamboozler. Last Thursday I went to first tap but I never even got to see the band. We ended up talking for close to 3 hours and I will spare the details of what was said. In the end she ended up leaving and I ended walking home with a bruised heart but I am doing a lot better than I expected. The next day I left for Juneau which couldn’t have been better timing. Looking back on it, I am still happy that it happened because I learned a lot about myself but I just wish that it happened a lot sooner.

I have this desire to write differently. I read other people’s blogs and they are so funny and deep, and I want to write like that. I don’t want to just write what I’m doing…I don’t know if I can translate the things I’m thinking into words. I will have to ponder this some more and see what I cam come up with. Maybe I need to write more so I don’t use the entries to catch up what happened in the past week.

Also today I asked my supervisor for a recommendation for a second year. So I guess I am officially applying for a second year. It’s a little scary to think about living in community for another year but it’s even scarier that the unemployment rate in Portland is nine percent. Living in community is hard and life giving, but after 4 years of it I wonder if I should try something else. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I kind of like the idea of getting a job and making some money…I wonder if that’s what I’m supposed to want after doing JVC?

I am unhappy with this entry but I will post it anyway.

Milk/How I went back to dating the bamboozler

I need to take a shower but for some reason if two people are taking a shower at the same time (in different showers of course, people get your minds out of the gutter) then only cold water comes out so I must wait and what better to do than to write.

So I just got back from watching “Milk” which is pretty amazing and by pretty I mean a great great movie. It surprises me to know how little I know about the gay rights struggle. What else is scary is how parallel the stories are with their fight against proposition 6 and the recent struggle with proposition 8. It’s also interesting that Anchorage will be having a town hall meeting on the 11th to discuss gay rights and if both straight and gay anchorage citizens are ready to start the fight for equality. I am rather excited for the meeting, I have no idea what to expect. It could either be like 10 people or the type of meeting where you expect very few people to show up and then you walk into the room and it’s packed. I miss the energy from such meetings where everyone is united and fighting for the same cause. I will keep you all posted.

So yes the second part of this entry is to discuss how I went back to dating the bamboozler. I feel like I need a name for her since I don’t really want to date someone called the bamboozler. Well I can’t come up with anything so if anyone has any ideas that would be great. Alright so where to start? I tend to not write a lot about my dating life here because it’s just so thriving that there’s not enough space. Haha I am joking. Well I guess I left the last story at the bamboozler dropping me off without saying thanks, and me face planting on the driveway. So the weekend comes around and I go out with my housemates to celebrate one of my roommates getting into grad school. As I’m sitting with my friends, I get a text message from oozler and she asks what our plans are for the night. I had invited her before she left for the Galapagos to come over to the house I was house sitting at and I was going to make her dinner. Now this was all before the incident and I was pretty much done with oozler so I was surprised to hear from her. I was used to going out with her and then not hearing from her for a week or two. But now she wanted to come over and hang out and not go out. So yes my fellow readers I got suckered back in with a promise of a night in and a bottle of wine. So oozler came over, and we cooked some lentils and wheat berries, and she brought some broccolini which gave her some points. Anyway it was a nice night, we talked and I told her I didn’t appreciate that she didn’t thank me and she gave me a gift from the Galapagos. Ahh so yes I was brought back into the trap. The next morning she invited me out for breakfast and the rest is history. It’s nothing serious, a few dates now and then. We both realize that it probably will never go beyond dating, she’s leaving in May to go back to teaching in the village and I will moving in August, hopefully by then I will know where I will be moving. So there you go that is the rather unexciting story of how I started dating the bamboozler again.

Alright so dating, I was going to finish this post but there has been a new update. So this is probably the first time that I have actually been dating people. Now I don’t really understand dating or the rules and I haven’t really mentioned this before but I might not just be dating the bamboozler. So around October I met this girl lets call her Sarah. Sarah is rather nice, and we’ve bumped into each other from time to time. But recently me and Sarah have been texting a little more and this where the dating gets complicated. Sarah knows about bamboozler and is not happy. I was under the impression that Sarah couldn’t just go on dates with someone who was already going on dates with other people and I am ok with that. I don’t understand the dating many people thing so it’s fine with me. But now as I was writing this I get a call from an Alaska number and I answer it and it’s Sarah. Now this is the first time we talk on the phone and she asks me out which is great…right? So now what do I do with the bamboozler? I mean I have to tell the bamboozler that I am going on a date with someone else, but the whole Anchorage community goes out to the same place. So now on Friday the 13th, how perfect is that, I might have the most awkward date of my life or maybe it will be nice. I really must take a shower now.

Redoubt

So I see that I failed at my goal of writing at least once a week. It's not that I feel like I am even that busy, maybe just lazy.

So last week happened and I can't seem to remember it. Ah yes on Friday we had Mid Winter Mayhem at our house. Mid Winter Mayhem was created to help with the boredom and coldness of the winter. It's pretty much a smaller version of the Olympics with opening and closing ceremonies and events like the luge, ice dancing, spelling bee, limbo, and then pool, darts and foosball which were to be held at our house on Friday. The part was pretty fun, I went to bed around 11 but I think people didn't leave until 2 or so. But the best part was that one of my roommates started talking to a guy by the name of Dave who was randomly invited. Dave is a professor at the university here in Anchorage and they just hit it off. The minute he walked in the door I could tell they would hit it off, it's so much fun to watch from the outside. But on the downside I agreed to go with her to First Tap this Thursday because she invited Dave along and wanted some of us to go with her. I don't know how it happened but now I am the only one going, so yes I am officially the third wheel. Oh and First Tap is when the local brew house unveils a new beer and a band comes in and plays some tunes. I've been to it once before and I would say every young person in Anchorage comes out for it. But yes the dilemma of being the third wheel. Of course I can't let myself do that, so yes I had to make a few calls and this Thursday I will be going on my first double date. And I don't know how far I want to go into my dating life in this post but I may be going with the bamboozler from a previous post. Yes I know, but I will explain in a later post. Or maybe no one even reads this so I don't have to feel guilty. But stay tuned and I will for sure write about how my first ever double date goes.

What other tidbits of information do I have? Hmm this past Saturday I went out and had some Vietnamese food at Pho Lena. It was a great place, very small and Pho Lena herself was there. The food was great, the windows were foggy, and yes I was out with the bamboozler. But let me just say living on 80 dollars a month one cannot refuse a free dinner out. So Saturday was a nice night and then Sunday morning I went skiing on the coastal trail. So pretty, crisp, and sunny. I've never loved the sun so much before moving to Anchorage. We also skid on the lake, which was fun until I heard cracks and then I peed my pants...of course j/k. But I loved the weekend, a nice getaway from work.

This weekend I will be going to Juneau for our second retreat. We will be flying which I hate but hopefully worth it because I get to see Juneau which I have heard is breathtaking.

And lastly I just received an offer from a client which was really hard to resist. He offered not only dinner but a taxi ride to dinner, very clever I must say. But he also offered...a bicycle for the summer. I will give him points for the originality of his request, but sadly I denied him. So I guess I won't accept every free dinner that comes my way.

Oh and I guess there is a volcano by the name of Redoubt that might blow at any time. We have to carry masks with us and not wear contacts. Apparently the ash is like glass and can get into your eyes and scratch your corneas. It all depends on the way the wind blows when it explodes, we might get ash for a few days or none at all. We're supposed to have 2 gallons of water per person just in case which we don't have, but maybe we can barter with our 60 pounds of wheat berries.

Social cues

Well I am finally done with house sitting and dog sitting. My last day was on Saturday night which was great. It was a nice break from community, but it's time to re-energize and get on with the last six months of the program. This past week was hard, maybe it's the weather, the job, or just being tired of the same...who knows. I've been thinking about the future which is kinda stressing me out. I have no idea what to do in August, part of me wants to do a second year but only because it's the safe option. I'm worried about finding a job in this economy, but I think I'm more scared about not finding a job I love and always going from one job to the next. I'm afraid of never finding a place I love, or a constant community of friends. Part of me wants to settle down, but I haven't met a place the I truly love. Maybe I also don't know what I want. I always want what I can't have.

But the point of this entry was to talk about our new "friend". So a week ago we get a call from this guy who just moved to Anchorage from Juneau. He was friends with the Juneau JV's and thought that the easiest way to make friends was to find the JV's in Anchorage. Now at first he seemed just like a nice person, slightly awkward who just wanted some friends. Now he just seems like a creeper. He has started inviting himself over even when we kinda mention that we don't want people over. I would say we're a pretty inviting bunch but it's interesting to deal with someone who doesn't understand social cues. Last night was probably one of the weirdest incidences with him. He came to church with some of the JV's and then drove them home. As they were getting out of the car, he said that he was going to invite himself over. We mentioned that we weren't going to be doing anything that night but maybe just sit around and he replied by saying it's better than him sitting by himself in his house. Now I understand being lonely but there's just something different about him. Finally last night after hanging out for a few hours, one of my house mates gets a text message from him. The message tells her that he thinks that they have similar values and asks if she wants to be his friend. But not just any friend, but he wants her to be his best friend. I have never heard of someone text messaging a friend proposal before. I understand he's lonely, but he's raised the creeper flag. But I have no doubt that this story is far from over.

Bamboozled

Yes fellow readers I have to admit that I have been bamboozled. So I wrote earlier this week that I have been dog sitting for a close friend. Now this past week has probably been one of the hardest weeks in my time in Anchorage. There was the whole weather issue, the dog running away three times and not letting me sleep at night, getting sick, and just all around crappy week. Thankfully it is all over now and I can enjoy my other house sitting gig which is much much easier. But last night I realized that I have been used. I pride myself on being pretty smart but I have finally met my match. Last night around midnight I go to pick up the dog owner and her friends from the airport. Thankfully I don't have to work today so it was ok that I had to stay up late. But I really thought that was nice of me, not only to agree to dog sit the day before they left but also stay up pretty late and pick them up so they don't have to pay for a taxi. Now I expect very little from this interaction. I'm not expecting to get paid because I'm ok with just doing it as a favor, I'm not expecting gifts, nothing big but I would like I don't maybe just a thank-you, maybe that's asking too much. So I pick them up from the airport, thirty minutes early even because I figure out a way to check their arrival, which I think is pretty cool because it's nice that I'm there even though they're early and a nice gesture I think. So they get in the car and we switch drivers so that they can drop me off at the house. And then...nothing. I ask them how their trip was and they talk and talk but thats it nothing in return. No how was your week? No how is the dog? No why thank-you for taking time out of your week to do this favor for us. Nope nada zilch. They drop me off at the house and I actually thank them for giving me a ride and they say you're welcome. Yep so I got bamboozled. Thankfully I found this quite funny. On my walk back to the house I also slip and face plant in the ice but all I can do is laugh. This was definitely a learning experience. I will probably never see these people again, and I am totally happy with that.

ha suckers

So the cold weather has moved into the Midwest and left us alone. Chicago is at -5 right now and Minneapolis at -12, and Anchorage wait for wait for it is at 48 right now. Yes I know, and don't worry I haven't been drinking this morning it is indeed that warm out. Of course this brings its own problems. Because it is so warm, everything has started to melt but then refreezes at night. Yesterday the whole city was shut down, all schools and universities were canceled. I always wondered what it would take to close down schools and apparently all it takes is some warm weather. Also public transportation was shut down for the day, which I didn't even know that they could do that. I guess silly me needs to forget about the public transportation in Chicago and how it never stopped running. Lucky or in my case not so lucky I took the last morning bus before they stopped running so I was able to get to work. Unfortunately the road leading down to Bean's was just a sheet of ice, there were two buses and maybe 20 cars stuck all up and down the road by Bean's. I've never seen such chaos before. Plus Anchorage doesn't believe in salting which is kinda good because it's bad for the environment but that means nothing ever melts. Instead they dump gravel everywhere which helps with traction but is really bad for the roads. Today was no better, the buses were canceled right away so I had no way to get to work. They finally started working around 9 so I got to work 2 hours late. The fun part was the walk to Bean's because it was just like ice skating. I even wore a pink leotard so I slid into work in style.

Oh and to add to the excitement to the week I got to play tag at three in the morning. I must say that I dearly miss that game I played as a kid so I was very glad when the puppy invited me out in the early morning to play it in the yard. I further appreciate his not liking to sleep at night but instead rather enjoy pouncing on my head and licking my face. I must say my face have never felt so clean before and refreshed.

But all in all I am enjoying Anchorage, I just want the snow back so I can go skiing.

Puppy love

Or lack of. So these past few days have been hectic beyond belief. About a week ago I agreed to house sit for two weeks for this really nice couple. They have an amazing house, steam room, and live 7 minutes from downtown. It's an amazing opportunity to just have some alone time and think about what I want to do with the time I have left living in Anchorage. So sounds like a great opportunity, all I have to do is water the plants and eat their organic apples. All is well until last Thursday when I get a call from a friend who is in a big jam. She and her roommate are leaving for Ecuador the next day and their dog sitter fell through. And being the nice person that I am, and the fact that I'm kinda dating this person and feel obligated to be the nice person that I want people to believe I am, I agree to dog sit. Now three days later, I am sleep deprived and cranky. The dog is actually a puppy, and yes I knew that and even played with the dog from time to time but it is a devil in disguise let me tell you. It loves to play at night, especially by jumping on my head. It loves to chew very loudly in the middle of the night. And it loves to go out for walks at 2 in the morning but only after peeing on the floor first. I feel worse for the dog than I do for myself because I have to lock it in the bathroom for 9 hours when I go to work. I actually ended taking yesterday off in order to spend more time with him and take him to the dog park. The spending more time with him was actually not the main reason. Short story...on Sunday I went snow shoeing and at the end of the hike my eye swelled up. So I felt like it was my body telling me to slow down, relax, and stop stressing about things I can't control. So I took Monday off and had a wonderful day and I think that me and the puppy had a good heart to heart at the dog park.

But all in all I think that things are getting better. I was able to call someone who will take the dog out during the day and play with him. And I only have to do this till Sunday and then I am free to enjoy the other house sitting job and sit in the steam room and not think about how I can't remember how much they told me to feed the puppy. And as a gift to myself I went out and bought some Kale and squash which made me really happy.

My goal for this week is to number one get through it. Number two relax and enjoy watching trashy tv because they have cable. And number three not go out on Friday. I have this bad tendency to go out on Friday night even though I tell myself the whole week that I shouldn't. I don't know where this love of going out arose but I think it's just fun to go out after a really hard week. It's a really accepting environment and community, and it feels good to so somewhere where you can be yourself. The problem is that I always get back way too late, like 5 this past week and then I feel like I'm wasting my Saturday sleeping in. Thus I tell myself no more going out. I wonder whatever happened to living simply?

Just another day

So just another day at Bean's. Today we lost our fourth client in three days. I think it's mostly the weather, it's the coldest stretch of weather in 10 years I've been told. But today was the hardest loss, her name was Karen and she was one of the nicest clients. She didn't come in every day but when she did she had the biggest smile on her face. It's hard to believe that these people will never walk through our doors again.

Today I got a call from someone telling me where one of the services will be for one of the people that died this week. I was trying to figure out where it was being held when he went off about how we work for social services and we should know where this place is. True I guess to an extent, but then he continued on about how this guy came in complaining of chest pain and all we did was give him TUMS when we should have called 911. So what eventually happened with the guy was that he left Beans and had a massive heart attack and died. Now I know that this caller was probably just angry because all of his friends are dying, but I was tired of it so I fought back. I told him I wasn't responsible for all the homeless people and that they were adults. I have no medical training and I'm not about to call 911 for all people that have chest pain. We went back and forth for a little bit and he finally told me that I should get another job. I understand that I should have been nice but I'm not going to be blamed for this guy dying. It's hard because I remember giving him the TUMS that day and I remember thinking he looked really bad but everyone looks like crap because they are drinking their lives away. This job has made me more critical of homeless people than sympathetic. Because frankly more than half of the people I see aren't really trying to get of the streets. Yes most are addicted to something or have a mental illness so yea they deserve a break and some help but I believe in empowering people and I don't know if I'm really doing that here.

Plus it's so cold that the pipes froze and burst so we haven't had water here at Bean's for two days. The fire alarm system isn't working so someone has to be here at all times making sure there's not a fire. So the staff has been working around the clock. It feels tense here at work, I feel like it's a waiting game to see who goes next. But I am lucky because I get to leave at the end of the day. I feel guilty sometimes because I know that I can do this for a year and just leave. Leave it all behind, go running in the garden with a fresh breeze and hopefully lots of sunshine.

Homely

So this weekend one of my roommates had both her sisters visiting. It was rather random, one of her sisters skis for her college and the championships were being held in Anchorage this year, how lucky is that. But anyway we were sitting around on Saturday and talking about how our second retreat was coming up. The conversation lead to talking about the other communities and how all the communities had certain characteristics about them. For example, Bethel is very outgoing and loud, Sitka is very laid back and meditative, and Juneau is all girls. So I mentioned that I felt like our community didn't really any characteristics that stood out. But one of Abby's sisters spoke up and said that she thought the complete opposite and after some thought said that we were all very homely. Haha what she was going for was homey and inviting but what she said instead was that we were a very unattractive community. So we now are known as the community of the ugly people.

On another note today I had a women come into the office and request to talk to me. We have clients walk in and out of our office every day and we hear a lot of stories. So today the women walks in and tells me that she thinks that this women she knows at the other shelter is being abused. So I sit there for about 20 minutes and listen to this women and the meeting ends with me telling her I will do my best. But the problem is that I really can't do anything about it. First it's happening at another shelter, second the person who's being abused needs to come to us herself, and third the women who reported it doesn't want anyone to know she's talking about it. So that is a great start to a Monday morning. But to make the day even worse, I've seen the guy at least 5 times today and to make me feel even worse he just came in and she was standing behind him. As they were leaving she turns around twice to look at me before she slowly walks to follow him. This job is hard, I understand now why they have new people come in every year. I am ready for a new day to begin with some sunshine and warm weather. It has been a week since the temperature has been above zero. Most mornings I make the walk to work in negative 10 to 15 degree weather. But at least I get to go home to my homely community.