Kicked out

It's actually quite at Bean's right now which never happens. Not enough beanie volunteers which has been happening quite a lot so all the Beanies get kicked out until one of them decides to step up and volunteer. Also you can tell when it's really nice outside because no one comes in which is ok with me. Beanies are quite annoying. Intellectually I know that I shouldn't be annoyed at them but I am every day. Tick tock more annoying questions, annoying requesting, or just being a pain in the butt. Does it sound like I am burnt out? Well maybe or it's time for a new job. I think some people are made for this type of job and I think that I am not. I don't like that I see hundreds of people every day. I want to work for a smaller organization that actually helps people and not just keeps them alive. I am not saying this job doesn't need to be done oh it does I am just ready to pass it on to the next batch of JV's.

Well lets see I have not been updating as you can see. I don't know if I am busy or just lost in my head probably a little of both. I hate the ups and downs of being happy, bored, or just in a slump. I am really excited to find a new job, one that maybe isn't so boring sometimes. I hope that every job isn't like this, fun at first and hella boring towards the end. Anyway I am going to stop complaining.

Lets talk about Juneau instead. Juneau was amazing. There were actually some really nice days and a lot of music. Now after listening to folk music all weekend long I think I realized I may not be the biggest fan. Sure I like it but it's not something I would seek out. Some musicians were really good so I guess it depends on the type. I wish I had the energy to go into more detail but I don't. My energy is lacking lately but I think the amazing weather might just be what I need. But a short summary of events at folk fest. We danced a lot, drank some amazing beer, went on a brewery tour where they gave out all the free samples you wanted, one take it to the dawn night where we walked home with daylight fast approaching and birds singing and lots and lots of free music. Oh and the Alaska hotel where everyone went after the music stopped and there were musicians everywhere because that is where they stayed. All the rooms were opened with people jamming in the rooms, in the laundry rooms and people everywhere listening to the tunes. It was an interesting night to say the least.

On a side note when calling for day labor at a homeless day shelter do not call at 4 and expect to find a worker. Because homeless people don't wait around for a job that late because they are probably already drunk or out enjoying the nice weather. In fact don't get angry at me because I can't find anyone and secondly don't offer to give them beer. How stupid do you have to be? These people are addicted to alcohol and yes they are going to use the money you just paid them to go buy it but please do not try and make the process any easier. Alright I think I need to be nicer to the beanies I understand the whole mental illness, hard childhood, substance abuse, growing up in two cultures crap, eh I mean valid reasons. But I don't really care anymore I want to be mad at them because there is no one else to be mad at. I just want to shake them and be like look at yourself and look at your pointless life and do something with it. Stop wasting resources and actually get your life in order. I wish it was that easy, I wish things could change, i wish I had more patience, I wish I could take a nap.

Last night I was watching a movie about the Holocaust. And then boom Abbie one of my roommates came in and announced she was going to Kincaid Beach. This was about 9. So I decided to join and we drove to the beach with a few beers and some other rommies. It was splendid, sitting on the beach as the sun was setting and the wind blowing. The beach is my favorite place in Anchorage. It's secluded and feels nothing like the city. I wish I could go back to that feeling of peacefulness and serenity and not be always pissed off at the beanies. Because I know they can tell that I don't like them that much and that sucks for them. I know they deserve someone in their lives that cares but I don't think it can be. I just don't think I have the energy. I really am not that down and out as I sound here. I am pretty happy most of the time I swear.

Tired, stressed, and overwhelmed

That's what I fault for my absence in blogging. I am burnt out in life. I am leaving tomorrow for Juneau for the Folk Festival with pretty much all the JV's in Alaska. It is such a needed break, I almost want to start crying right now because I am so tired and disconnected from myself.

So yesterday was a shitty shitty day. For the past two days I have had this young guy coming in and trying to hit on me. At first it was fine but now I am tired. He thinks he is so smooth yet he has no idea he is barking up the wrong tree. I don't know about this job. It was nice because on Easter we went over to the FJV's and there were four years of Bean's workers there and it was nice to vent. I complain because I am not structurally changing anything by working here. But one of the JV's had a good point that sometimes just keeping someone alive is important. And that's exactly what I do here, I keep people alive to keep drinking another day and maybe this job needs to be done. So yes hopefully we keep them alive long enough that they decide to get help, I guess that's the goal of Beans.

But aside from being burned out at work I am just tired of life. I feel like this year has been really hard, a lot of fun sure but there have been some really hard moments as well. So yesterday the Drag King told me that she is moving to Bristol Bay on May 15th. She applied for a job with the fire department and heard yesterday that she got it. yay for her, I really am happy for her but sad at the same time. I really haven't known her that long to be as sad as I am which worries me. I realize maybe that I form unhealthy attatchments to people especially people that I am dating. I only let a few people in and when I do I try and hold on to them because it is so hard for me to open up. But eventually they leave or I leave and it gets harder everytime that happens. I realize that I should open up to more people and not put all the stress on one person but I have yet to figure out how to do that. I guess I am tired of people leaving and I just want a stable permanent community. Is that too much to ask for? I guess it's back to the drawing board for me. I don't know I am just tired and sad and hope that Juneau works its magic like it did before.

Warning: Baby's head in microwave

Today is April fools day. I woke up today like usual and went downstairs to prepare some oatmeal. As I was about to open the microwave in a semi daze that I always am in the morning I found a baby's head in the microwave. hehe so funny or I thought it was. Abbie my roommate works with the Red Cross and borrowed it, it's great because it's made of soft material and sits upright so it's funnier, yes I meant childish I would not find such childish acts funny of course. I actually was not the one to discover it in the microwave, I wish I was. I went downstairs and it was sitting on the counter but I made sure to put it back in the microwave for the next set of roomies. But as I sat and ate my oatmeal I would open the microwave from time to time and just laugh. A good start to the day, and yes I did check for cellophane wrapping over the toilet seat before I sat down.

Alright what else is there to talk about so early on a Wednesday morning at Bean's well love of course. Well not actually love but the funny stories that come with it. So yesterday the drag king invited me to come along and hear a panel on LGBTQIA issues at UAA, University of Alaska Anchorage. haha they call it the alphabet now because it's getting so long so many letters. hehe I thought the "I" stood for indifferent and so that's what I told the Drag King because she didn't know either and then she said it out loud and it actually stood for interesex. haha how I like to lead people astray. Anyway that was not the funny part I wanted to talk about anyway. I feel like I always get in sticky situations here because the gay community is so small and I am so popular. Well only one of those is true, of course the popular part. Anyway I walk into the room a little late with the drag king, get a chair, take off my jacket, you know get myself situated. Well if you know me at all you know that I didn't take off my jacket because I never do. Anyway that was off topic but as I scan the room...yes you guess it I meet eyes with Sandi. Now I think I blogged about Sandi a little. The girl I met at the bar while the bamboozler was in Ecuador who walked me to the house I was house sitting at. Anyway we made plans to hang out the next Friday and I never showed up, no not because I was trying to be mean that actually comes quite naturally but because I was sick taking care of the devil dog at the bamboozlers house. Well so here I am at this panel sitting next to the drag king with the girl that I stood up four chairs away from me. Let's just say I counted down the minutes until the awkward interaction had to happen.

Paragraph break not because it's the right spot I know but I don't like writing really long paragraphs without breaks. So anyway the panel goes on for about 2 hours and then it breaks up. You know the type of break where you go and talk to people to clarify points or meet friends you haven't seen in awhile. Well poor me I don't know anyone so I can't pair up with anyone and I don't have any points to clarify on because I was too nervous to pay attention. Oh and the drag king has a line of people waiting to talk to her, kinda like the kissing booth. So yes Sandi walks over to me and I walk over to her and she puts me in a headlock and makes me say uncle. Haha no we sit and talk and it's not awkward at all. I explain what happened and the fact that I didn't have her phone number. I get her phone number, minutes go on, the conversation goes on and somehow I have a date with her on Saturday to go to some women studies event. I am the worst at saying no, well I would say I just like to flirt and keep my options open. Ahh no I can't say that on here because then people will think I'm mean. So scratch that I just didn't know how to say no. Anyway I left with the drag king who drove me home. This story will be continued as events unfold...