Juneau/How I stopped dating the bamboozler/ desire to write differentely

I am a very messy person…I am sitting on my bed with two apple cores and orange peels on the night stand. I have this desire to stay in a place for longer than a year. Before starting JVC I had this dream of living in five cities in five years and now I want nothing of it. It’s interesting to see how fast plans change in so little time. At the beginning of this year we were doing a community night where we were asked questions and then we went around and answered them. One of the questions at first seemed rather simple but I couldn’t come up with an answer. The question was “Where is home?” I guess the easy answer would be Indiana, but it doesn’t feel like coming home when I go there. For some reason I have this intense desire to find my home and I think that’s why I am becoming so stressed out about what to do in August. What if I move to a new place and it still doesn’t feel like I could live there for longer than a year? But then I remember to just step back and remember that I still have 6 more months in Anchorage and I need to challenge myself to live in the present. And yet again I write about none of the things I was going to in the beginning.

So Juneau was an amazing break from reality. Juneau is very beautiful, small town enclosed by mountains. The first 2 days were very rainy and snowy, but on the third day the sun finally came out and it was wonderful. I went out by the water and laid out on a rock in only my fleece. I could definitely see myself living in a place like Juneau if it wasn’t rainy all the time. In just three days I saw seals, bald eagles, and a whale…what more can you ask for? Well of course I need to see the sun at least once a week and that is not guaranteed in a place like Juneau.

Ah yes and I stopped dating the bamboozler. Last Thursday I went to first tap but I never even got to see the band. We ended up talking for close to 3 hours and I will spare the details of what was said. In the end she ended up leaving and I ended walking home with a bruised heart but I am doing a lot better than I expected. The next day I left for Juneau which couldn’t have been better timing. Looking back on it, I am still happy that it happened because I learned a lot about myself but I just wish that it happened a lot sooner.

I have this desire to write differently. I read other people’s blogs and they are so funny and deep, and I want to write like that. I don’t want to just write what I’m doing…I don’t know if I can translate the things I’m thinking into words. I will have to ponder this some more and see what I cam come up with. Maybe I need to write more so I don’t use the entries to catch up what happened in the past week.

Also today I asked my supervisor for a recommendation for a second year. So I guess I am officially applying for a second year. It’s a little scary to think about living in community for another year but it’s even scarier that the unemployment rate in Portland is nine percent. Living in community is hard and life giving, but after 4 years of it I wonder if I should try something else. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I kind of like the idea of getting a job and making some money…I wonder if that’s what I’m supposed to want after doing JVC?

I am unhappy with this entry but I will post it anyway.