Happy

I am rather happy right now. And since that doesn't happen often or doesn't seem like it because I always right about negative things on this blog then I decided to add some happiness to it. Well I think I am happy because I had caffeine and although it makes me go to the bathroom every 30 minutes it makes me happy. Secondly today is my last day of work for a week because I am going on vacation. I am really excited, hope the weather stays nice and I come back to work ready to take on the last two months.

Lets see on a not so happy note we have had 4 clients die in the last 10 days. It even made the papers and everyone is like what should we do? Oh my goodness homeless people are dying which is good that people are talking about. But then the headlines will go away and people will forget about the homeless until the next round of deaths. When I hear people talking about the homeless population I feel proud about what I do. Because I feel like I have room to talk because I deal with these people on a daily basis. It also makes me realize that I really need to be more patient because I have been losing it little by little. Today I was doing a van ride to the hospital and next to me was this guy that volunteers every day and he started singing to the Dido song "White Flag" and he really got into it. It was really nice because it felt so normal just singing in the car. Sometimes I think the beanies really like riding in the car something new and relatively "normal". Just some time to sit back and listen to music. Yesterday I also found out that one of our clients tried to hang herself under a bridge but thankfully she was stopped. So it's been a hard few weeks for the homeless people here in Anchorage. It's a really tight community and when someone dies it hits all of them.

Let's see this past weekend me and the roomies started the garden. So much fun. We planted carrots, peas, radishes, zucchini, brussel sprouts and some greens. It's been really dry here in Anchorage so I hope that they all survive.

What am I looking forward to in the summer? Not having to wear my blue jacket which I have yet to take off. Participating in the marathon relay with some of my roomies and wearing a tutu. So I registered me and three roomies for the relay and we needed a name so I thought of the most absurd name I could think of, pink tutus, and threatened them with it so that they would give me another name to put on the registration. Sadly they liked the idea and we are now known as the pink tutus. There has been talk of actually wearing a pink tutu and passing it off as a baton, I think not. What else? Going on community trips to Denali and Homer. Just enjoying the light and spending these last few months with my community.

A year later...

It has been a year since I graduated and I feel like I am in purgatory. Not in the real world but not in the college world either, kinda stuck in the gray area. I am happy I did JVC but still I am ready to get a job, have some money, and just be more free I guess. Today I spent a very long time with this woman that needed help on her homework. Now usually I wouldn't do this because that's not my role to be a tutor but things have been slow and I didn't really know before hand that she needed help with her homework and not something more important. Anyway this woman kinda scares me she has these fits of anger where she starts yelling usually profanities. I know she's pretty harmless but still not the most inviting person to sit next to. She like everyone else has a story. She spent two years in the military went to Iraq and got injured. From what I have been told a bomb exploded near her and ever since she has not been the same. Right now she is yelling at the top of her lungs things that no one can understand. And it is sad, very sad. But as I was sitting with her she didn't yell, yes she talked to invisible people and told them to shut up but she seemed "normal". i don't really like using that word but I will in this situation. It seemed like she would go in and out. Sometimes she was fine asking me about my life and her telling me about her life. She grew up in the Caribbean, went to journalism school in florida, married and ended up in Alaska, joined the military went to Iraq and now is here at bean's yelling at the top of her lungs. See stories like hers really show that it could happen to anyone one of us. So yea she's going to the university here...maybe but maybe not. She tells me she's taking a class even though a few months ago she gave me a paper that said that she was kicked out. It doesn't matter I try and help her with her homework even though it doesn't make sense she keeps switching what she needs to write and telling me all kinds of different stories. But I sat there with her for an hour and we talked and she seemed fine and then I left and she started to scream again. I wish I could do that with all my clients just sit and talk and not get annoyed. Maybe that's what they need more than the vitamins I give out?

The weather is so nice here in Anchorage. It has been sunny for two weeks straight and in the 60's. This is the Anchorage that I like. I also have been trying to find jobs and no luck. I am not worried...yet. I look back a year ago when I was graduating and I had no idea that a year later I would be here. Sure I knew I was going to Alaska and working at Beans but I had no idea what it was going to look like. So I wonder where I will be in a year? Less idealistic than I am now? Happier? Will I have a job? Who knows... will I still be listening to halo? hehe only a few people know my addiction with halo

Oh and one last thing. Yesterday I had a disagreement with the Drag King who is leaving for Bristol Bay on friday. Anyway I was kinda sad and in a funk so I decided to go for a bike ride. But as I was riding in the nice weather with the sun shining and me feeling the breeze in my hair...the pedal falls off. There's me riding enjoying myself then I hear a clunk and I look back to see the pedal lying there all peaceful in the middle of the road. And you know what I did? I laughed a lot because there was nothing else to do. And that cheered me up and I put the pedal back on as best as I could and turned around to go back home. So things aren't that bad and things like pedals falling off make you realize that and that sometimes all you can do is laugh and not be so serious.

Kicked out

It's actually quite at Bean's right now which never happens. Not enough beanie volunteers which has been happening quite a lot so all the Beanies get kicked out until one of them decides to step up and volunteer. Also you can tell when it's really nice outside because no one comes in which is ok with me. Beanies are quite annoying. Intellectually I know that I shouldn't be annoyed at them but I am every day. Tick tock more annoying questions, annoying requesting, or just being a pain in the butt. Does it sound like I am burnt out? Well maybe or it's time for a new job. I think some people are made for this type of job and I think that I am not. I don't like that I see hundreds of people every day. I want to work for a smaller organization that actually helps people and not just keeps them alive. I am not saying this job doesn't need to be done oh it does I am just ready to pass it on to the next batch of JV's.

Well lets see I have not been updating as you can see. I don't know if I am busy or just lost in my head probably a little of both. I hate the ups and downs of being happy, bored, or just in a slump. I am really excited to find a new job, one that maybe isn't so boring sometimes. I hope that every job isn't like this, fun at first and hella boring towards the end. Anyway I am going to stop complaining.

Lets talk about Juneau instead. Juneau was amazing. There were actually some really nice days and a lot of music. Now after listening to folk music all weekend long I think I realized I may not be the biggest fan. Sure I like it but it's not something I would seek out. Some musicians were really good so I guess it depends on the type. I wish I had the energy to go into more detail but I don't. My energy is lacking lately but I think the amazing weather might just be what I need. But a short summary of events at folk fest. We danced a lot, drank some amazing beer, went on a brewery tour where they gave out all the free samples you wanted, one take it to the dawn night where we walked home with daylight fast approaching and birds singing and lots and lots of free music. Oh and the Alaska hotel where everyone went after the music stopped and there were musicians everywhere because that is where they stayed. All the rooms were opened with people jamming in the rooms, in the laundry rooms and people everywhere listening to the tunes. It was an interesting night to say the least.

On a side note when calling for day labor at a homeless day shelter do not call at 4 and expect to find a worker. Because homeless people don't wait around for a job that late because they are probably already drunk or out enjoying the nice weather. In fact don't get angry at me because I can't find anyone and secondly don't offer to give them beer. How stupid do you have to be? These people are addicted to alcohol and yes they are going to use the money you just paid them to go buy it but please do not try and make the process any easier. Alright I think I need to be nicer to the beanies I understand the whole mental illness, hard childhood, substance abuse, growing up in two cultures crap, eh I mean valid reasons. But I don't really care anymore I want to be mad at them because there is no one else to be mad at. I just want to shake them and be like look at yourself and look at your pointless life and do something with it. Stop wasting resources and actually get your life in order. I wish it was that easy, I wish things could change, i wish I had more patience, I wish I could take a nap.

Last night I was watching a movie about the Holocaust. And then boom Abbie one of my roommates came in and announced she was going to Kincaid Beach. This was about 9. So I decided to join and we drove to the beach with a few beers and some other rommies. It was splendid, sitting on the beach as the sun was setting and the wind blowing. The beach is my favorite place in Anchorage. It's secluded and feels nothing like the city. I wish I could go back to that feeling of peacefulness and serenity and not be always pissed off at the beanies. Because I know they can tell that I don't like them that much and that sucks for them. I know they deserve someone in their lives that cares but I don't think it can be. I just don't think I have the energy. I really am not that down and out as I sound here. I am pretty happy most of the time I swear.

Tired, stressed, and overwhelmed

That's what I fault for my absence in blogging. I am burnt out in life. I am leaving tomorrow for Juneau for the Folk Festival with pretty much all the JV's in Alaska. It is such a needed break, I almost want to start crying right now because I am so tired and disconnected from myself.

So yesterday was a shitty shitty day. For the past two days I have had this young guy coming in and trying to hit on me. At first it was fine but now I am tired. He thinks he is so smooth yet he has no idea he is barking up the wrong tree. I don't know about this job. It was nice because on Easter we went over to the FJV's and there were four years of Bean's workers there and it was nice to vent. I complain because I am not structurally changing anything by working here. But one of the JV's had a good point that sometimes just keeping someone alive is important. And that's exactly what I do here, I keep people alive to keep drinking another day and maybe this job needs to be done. So yes hopefully we keep them alive long enough that they decide to get help, I guess that's the goal of Beans.

But aside from being burned out at work I am just tired of life. I feel like this year has been really hard, a lot of fun sure but there have been some really hard moments as well. So yesterday the Drag King told me that she is moving to Bristol Bay on May 15th. She applied for a job with the fire department and heard yesterday that she got it. yay for her, I really am happy for her but sad at the same time. I really haven't known her that long to be as sad as I am which worries me. I realize maybe that I form unhealthy attatchments to people especially people that I am dating. I only let a few people in and when I do I try and hold on to them because it is so hard for me to open up. But eventually they leave or I leave and it gets harder everytime that happens. I realize that I should open up to more people and not put all the stress on one person but I have yet to figure out how to do that. I guess I am tired of people leaving and I just want a stable permanent community. Is that too much to ask for? I guess it's back to the drawing board for me. I don't know I am just tired and sad and hope that Juneau works its magic like it did before.

Warning: Baby's head in microwave

Today is April fools day. I woke up today like usual and went downstairs to prepare some oatmeal. As I was about to open the microwave in a semi daze that I always am in the morning I found a baby's head in the microwave. hehe so funny or I thought it was. Abbie my roommate works with the Red Cross and borrowed it, it's great because it's made of soft material and sits upright so it's funnier, yes I meant childish I would not find such childish acts funny of course. I actually was not the one to discover it in the microwave, I wish I was. I went downstairs and it was sitting on the counter but I made sure to put it back in the microwave for the next set of roomies. But as I sat and ate my oatmeal I would open the microwave from time to time and just laugh. A good start to the day, and yes I did check for cellophane wrapping over the toilet seat before I sat down.

Alright what else is there to talk about so early on a Wednesday morning at Bean's well love of course. Well not actually love but the funny stories that come with it. So yesterday the drag king invited me to come along and hear a panel on LGBTQIA issues at UAA, University of Alaska Anchorage. haha they call it the alphabet now because it's getting so long so many letters. hehe I thought the "I" stood for indifferent and so that's what I told the Drag King because she didn't know either and then she said it out loud and it actually stood for interesex. haha how I like to lead people astray. Anyway that was not the funny part I wanted to talk about anyway. I feel like I always get in sticky situations here because the gay community is so small and I am so popular. Well only one of those is true, of course the popular part. Anyway I walk into the room a little late with the drag king, get a chair, take off my jacket, you know get myself situated. Well if you know me at all you know that I didn't take off my jacket because I never do. Anyway that was off topic but as I scan the room...yes you guess it I meet eyes with Sandi. Now I think I blogged about Sandi a little. The girl I met at the bar while the bamboozler was in Ecuador who walked me to the house I was house sitting at. Anyway we made plans to hang out the next Friday and I never showed up, no not because I was trying to be mean that actually comes quite naturally but because I was sick taking care of the devil dog at the bamboozlers house. Well so here I am at this panel sitting next to the drag king with the girl that I stood up four chairs away from me. Let's just say I counted down the minutes until the awkward interaction had to happen.

Paragraph break not because it's the right spot I know but I don't like writing really long paragraphs without breaks. So anyway the panel goes on for about 2 hours and then it breaks up. You know the type of break where you go and talk to people to clarify points or meet friends you haven't seen in awhile. Well poor me I don't know anyone so I can't pair up with anyone and I don't have any points to clarify on because I was too nervous to pay attention. Oh and the drag king has a line of people waiting to talk to her, kinda like the kissing booth. So yes Sandi walks over to me and I walk over to her and she puts me in a headlock and makes me say uncle. Haha no we sit and talk and it's not awkward at all. I explain what happened and the fact that I didn't have her phone number. I get her phone number, minutes go on, the conversation goes on and somehow I have a date with her on Saturday to go to some women studies event. I am the worst at saying no, well I would say I just like to flirt and keep my options open. Ahh no I can't say that on here because then people will think I'm mean. So scratch that I just didn't know how to say no. Anyway I left with the drag king who drove me home. This story will be continued as events unfold...

Quick update

Life has been purely crazy the last few days. I can't believe I have let this slip by the wayside. Well I am almost done with house sitting which will be nice. It was truly nice to have a car which scares me because I never want to love having a car, I think I need to have a long date with my bike. I don't know if this long distance relationship we are having is going to work out after all. She's going to have to move up here. Also the dog that I am watching has started to breath weirdly, I feel like she's going to croak at anytime. And she gets me up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom but nothing as bad as the puppy from hell. But all in all it was a nice break to have a house to myself.

Lets see on Saturday I went on a date with a drag king. yep I don't think I need to give details that should explain it all. It was nice, we danced and people watched. I also had my first ever....wait for it wait for it....jello shot. yay for me, well not really. It wasn't too tasty but free. As a JV I have learned one thing and that if it's free then you should take advantage of it.

Oh and as everyone knows I have been discerning another year of JVC. So I had the interview with the placement and it went amazing. She loved me, I loved her it was like love at first sight. The job sounds amazing exactly what I want, the city sounds amazing exactly what I want....so tomorrow I will let them know of my decision to not do a second year. I know you might be confused because why would I deny a second year if I love the job and the city. Well because I wouldn't be doing a second year of JVC with a full heart, I don't really want to live in community but would have done it if it got me to Portland. But I have too much respect for JVC to do that and I wouldn't want to live with someone who was only partly into it so I have decided to stay here in Anchorage for another year or so. I hope to find a job, maybe save some money, and if the yearning to live in Portland is still there then in a year I will move there and it will be just as exciting and special.

This week has been kinda long already and it's only Wednesday. My supervisor is on vacation for a week so it's just me and Annie, another JV. Oh sidenote on Friday I hear Annie arguing with someone over the mail. Now this already is out of the ordinary because I have never seen Annie argue or raise her voice. Well it all ends with the lady hitting Annie in the face, so yea be careful beanies are protective about their mail. I think I need to sharpen my reflexes. But back to the long week, thankfully our house is having a get together of friends on Friday. It's called "The Break Up Shake Up" because Alaska has two seasons, freeze up and break up and it's almost time for break up so we are going to start it a little early with a party. My hope is that someone brings the beer "session" because under the cap it has either a rock, paper, or scissors and then you play the game when you open your beer. ooh perfect timing now it's time to drop some beanies off at the hospital and maybe have enough time for coffee.

Selective hitchhiking

So when I blog I get really excited. I start to think about all the things I forgot to write about or remember funny events that I wish I would have talked about. And since I am at the housesitting house and have nothing better to do I will include some extras for this Sunday edition of my blog. First after leaving the coffee shop I went to the grocery store to buy some kale which is a treat I buy for myself. The grocery store reminded me of my first month in Anchorage. Me and Molly went there the first month to get some groceries and when we finished we realized we would have to wait an hour before the bus was going to come. So instead of waiting we practiced what Molly calls selective hitchhiking. It's catching a ride but gives you the perception that it's safer because you choose who you ask for a ride. So this is how it goes down. Stand outside of grocery store and ask people if they are going in your direction. We asked a few people and then finally asked these two girls who didn't live near us but gave us a ride anyway. They also just moved to Anchorage and were going to school at UAA. In retrospect I would say it's not the safest thing but it's a funny store to tell now.

Second I really like my housemates. Yes there are some moments that are hard and challenging but for the most part living in community this year has been pretty great. I definitely lucked out with my community and their willingness to be be vulnerable and to challenge themselves. Last night was really fun. I was listening to music out loud and then we watched Justin Timberlake's spoof on Beyonce's song Put A Ring On It which led to listening to more songs. So I asked my roommates if they knew how to do the Cupid Shuffle which is a popular song to play at the club. yes I know that it's not a hard song to dance to but I never knew when to turn so Sarah Lauren and Annie helped me out. There was just something special about the night, all three of us dancing the cupid shuffle in the living room and then other roommates joining in. I think I need to show more love to my roommates. For the most part I play the sarcastic mean role in community. I know that they understand me and know that I am joking when I say my sarcastic comments but I also hope that they really know that I do like them. Haha this is not going to turn into a romantic love sonnet for my roommates. But I hope that when we all move on from this experience that we keep in touch and that they know that I've really learned a lot from all of them. Now I think I will put on some dance music and dance and pretend that I am really good.