Tired, stressed, and overwhelmed

That's what I fault for my absence in blogging. I am burnt out in life. I am leaving tomorrow for Juneau for the Folk Festival with pretty much all the JV's in Alaska. It is such a needed break, I almost want to start crying right now because I am so tired and disconnected from myself.

So yesterday was a shitty shitty day. For the past two days I have had this young guy coming in and trying to hit on me. At first it was fine but now I am tired. He thinks he is so smooth yet he has no idea he is barking up the wrong tree. I don't know about this job. It was nice because on Easter we went over to the FJV's and there were four years of Bean's workers there and it was nice to vent. I complain because I am not structurally changing anything by working here. But one of the JV's had a good point that sometimes just keeping someone alive is important. And that's exactly what I do here, I keep people alive to keep drinking another day and maybe this job needs to be done. So yes hopefully we keep them alive long enough that they decide to get help, I guess that's the goal of Beans.

But aside from being burned out at work I am just tired of life. I feel like this year has been really hard, a lot of fun sure but there have been some really hard moments as well. So yesterday the Drag King told me that she is moving to Bristol Bay on May 15th. She applied for a job with the fire department and heard yesterday that she got it. yay for her, I really am happy for her but sad at the same time. I really haven't known her that long to be as sad as I am which worries me. I realize maybe that I form unhealthy attatchments to people especially people that I am dating. I only let a few people in and when I do I try and hold on to them because it is so hard for me to open up. But eventually they leave or I leave and it gets harder everytime that happens. I realize that I should open up to more people and not put all the stress on one person but I have yet to figure out how to do that. I guess I am tired of people leaving and I just want a stable permanent community. Is that too much to ask for? I guess it's back to the drawing board for me. I don't know I am just tired and sad and hope that Juneau works its magic like it did before.